There is nothing that makes me think about my mortality more than getting my colon checked for polyps and cancer. People are doing a lot of things to raise awareness for cancer these days. I commend all of these activities but really the best thing to raise your awareness is to get yourself checked. I have a family history and last year when I was checked they found three polyps and the doctor immediately burnt those nasty buggers off. (By the way, you can have polyps your whole life without getting cancer, but it is still better to have them burned off).
When I came out of my drug induced sleep last year I was given some juice, a granola bar and piece of paper that said I should come back next year. This is the future – the older you get the more cancer tests you have to get, especially if you love life like I do.
The preparation is the worst part. For a day and a half I wasn’t allowed to eat. The effect this had on my mood was astonishing. I became really depressed. Everything that has bothered me in the past several years came to the forefront, as if everything had just happened. I was feeling so sorry for myself, and no delicious food to cover up my pain. For some reason I missed buttered toast the most. It’s the simple things people.
I also had to drink copious amounts of gatorade, broth, water, ginger ale, apple juice and jello. Citrusy flavours dominated the diet until the yellow liquids were squirting out of my clean ass. I know that’s disgusting but if you want to live you have to go through shit like this. Even though there was no shit left. One thing you could not say about me was that I was full of shit. Definitely – not!
My wife drove me in our car to a hospital at Jane and Finch. When I had this done last year it was at this strange Russian clinic, so I thought I’d try the hospital route this time. There were storm warnings all over the province and we very quickly realized we didn’t have windshield washing fluid as soon as we entered onto the 400 highways. That is not a good place to find out that you have that problem. Thanks Canadian Tire for not putting that stuff into my car when I had my car WINTERIZED LAST WEEK!!!!!! Idiots!
That gave my wife something to do while I was checked out. I found out later she was very worried about me so I am glad she was preoccupied. For awhile I had to sit in a really crowded waiting room with people coughing and sneezing (can we stop putting people together in such close quarters at hospitals and doctor’s offices PLEASE!).
Finally my name was called and I had to put on one of those creepy old gowns with no ass covering. They always look like they’ve been washed a thousand times. There were some pleasant radio pop songs from the 80s playing, probably to ease my generation into having our asses examined. Then I was rolled into the examination room where my friendly doctor was awaiting.
I looked at the ceiling and thought about God. I knew that this was the best thing for me. Because if there is a polyp there it is better to deal with it now. And if it is cancer then you definitely want to know. In moments like this I do truly believe in God. And I prayed. Thankful that I live in a country that cares enough about my health to not charge me for this procedure. They administered the drug. Nothing happened for a moment and then everything got kinda wavy.
A moment later ’65 Love Affair was playing on the radio overhead. I thought I was still in the examination room but I was actually back in the preparation room. A nurse appeared and told me they didn’t find anything there and that I wasn’t required to come back for another five to seven years (I’ll be coming back in five). I was given some juice and soon I saw my gorgeous wife waving at me through the window.
Soon we were on the snowy road heading back home on Jane St. The window washer fluid filled again, and a new lease on life. I gobbled down a Tim Horton’s muffin and at home had the buttered toast I had been craving.
So it is not such a terrible ordeal. You may even learn something about yourself. And you will probably live longer. Just do it!