Who is the real Nancy?

Sid and Chloe

In 1988 one of my favourite films was Sid and Nancy. This amazing film, which explores the punk movement of the late seventies and focuses on the main characters Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungeon, has mostly been forgotten. In fact I couldn’t even find it on DVD. I had to go to a Video 99 and blow some dust off an old VHS.

A few years ago I was watching a quiz show where they asked if Courtney Love played Nancy in this movie. I laughed because it was such a stupid question. Surprisingly the answer was wrong. But the contestant said yes and won the prize.

I got so mad. “Courtney Love did NOT play Nancy. It was Chloe Webb. What a bunch of idiots?!?!?!”

Sid and Courtney?

Then I convinced my wife to watch it on my birthday this year. She’s afraid of punk rockers and disgusted by their pig-like love of baked beans in this movie. Grody to the max!

As we watched it we laughed at the stupid game show for making such an obvious error. But then something happened. There was this other minor character in the film that kind of looked like Courtney Love – like a teenage Courtney Love. “Is that Courtney Love?”

When the credits finally rolled Courtney Love was the second name listed in order of appearance. Finally the mystery of Nancy was solved. Some research person on a game show must have thought it was Courtney Love playing Nancy and then it was confirmed by her second billing on the credits at the end, because she actually is in the movie, but only a couple of times as a minor character.

I think it is interesting to note that I think that metaphorically Courtney Love (one of my favourite singers of all time) really IS Nancy. She seems to have modelled her look and attitude after Nancy. She was in this movie before she was a household name. She’s lived longer than the real one, and unlike the real Nancy, she has survived and risen above her abusive relationship.

Cheers to the real Nancy!

The real Sid and Nancy?

Why Monkey Toast is NOT the Best Comedy Deal in Town…

Monkey Toast: Who drinks the profits?

Disclaimer: If you are offended by articles criticizing the Toronto comedy community then now would be the time to stop reading. On the other hand, if you are interested in how artists are taken advantage of in our community then you should definitely keep reading.

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Actors, improvisers and musicians will do just about anything to get stage time in Toronto, and usually they are taken advantage of in one way or another. I was involved with Monkey Toast, the improvised talk show for many years, occasionally as an improviser but mostly as a music director. The show is very popular around town, it has had top notch guests and it has won Canadian Comedy Awards. In fact, the producer brags that the show’s members have collectively been nominated for 98 Canadian Comedy Awards (some of those are mine). I’m not sure what this proves other than you can collectively be nominated for 98 awards and still no one can pay the rent or get paid for their craft.

I had personal and political reasons for being involved with the troupe. For one, I love to improvise and the producer and I had made a deal that if I music directed the show that I could also play on stage on occasion. Normally I would have to be paid to be a music director. I knew they didn’t really have piles of money to pay, but I believed in the troupe. My own problems with the more “corporate” improv troupe in the city (lets call it Melonville) were troubling. Racism was rampant with the new American, male-dominated regime of Melonville. As well, the politics of someone’s personal relationship in the workplace finally killed my paying job there.

Monkey Toast was a bit of a safe haven. I overlooked certain problems with the troupe. I hoped to make it successful. I did a free corporate gig so that Reader’s Digest could write a story about how we do corporate gigs, even though we weren’t doing any corporate gigs. But we had to look like we were.

At the end of every show these performers, some of whom are very well known actors, are reduced to scavenging loose change from the audience. When the bowls of money are returned the money is apparently split up 50/50. The show would get fifty percent for promotion and the actors and musician (me) would split the rest between us. This would amount to, on a good night, maybe fifteen dollars for three hours of my work. The basic going rate for a music director in an improv show starts at $50.00 an hour. One night I overheard the producer say that he actually used his fifty percent to buy his dinner at a chinese food restaurant next door, and the rest went to buy some of his “smoke” – if you catch my natural mystic. So much for show promotion.

Actors will do this kind of non-union show (even if they are members of Actor’s Equity) simply because they love improv. It is different as a music director. Music directors are not given the same kind of glory. They are expected to sit there and not have an opinion and when it is time for awards they are swept unceremoniously under a rug. Even if you also happen to be a performer, a producer and a director – as well as a piano player – there is still this weird opinion that you should be subservient. You have to carry a lot of equipment so financial compensation is usually a given. Not with this show.

The last time I performed on stage as an actor in the show I kissed a man. I’m not saying the producer is homophobic (ahem…knowing glance) but that was the last time I was allowed to be on the stage. He doesn’t want to offend his mother or something. I was still expected to play the piano week after week for very little pay, even though that was not the original arrangement.

Fool me once, I can hear some of you say (if anyone is reading this). My anger at Melonville drove me to stay with Monkey Toast, to try and make it work. The producer constantly dangled the carrot of a television show in front of me. But I never thought it would ever be a good telelvision show. Improv rarely translates to the boob tube. But he would constantly threaten to use another music director for the imaginary television show.

One time the head of CBC came to be the guest. This was supposed to be an important show. I was asked to bring my big heavy keyboard to make the show work. This was our chance. I was excited because the guest also happened to be a movie producer of some of my favourite films. I played the intro and they sat down for the interview. The producer of Monkey Toast  glared at me and said “That sounds really weird. Can you turn that down?” Then during the interview he fumbled a question and couldn’t recover. I knew our chances of being on TV were instantly down the toilet. Afterward I overheard the CBC/film producer tell him that the music was the best part of the show. I’m not bragging here. Just sticking up for myself. I’m not sure Monkey Toast ever appreciated what they had.

He doesn’t really appreciate the actors either. One time at the Fringe he told the improvisers, in front of an audience, that they had performed the worst scene ever (nice). The guests he interviews were told night after night, before the show, that they weren’t allowed to be funny. Moreover,  during the intermission he gives the improvisers a lecture and chastises them for any off-colour choices they might have made. This coming from a guy who couldn’t improvise his way out of a paper bag. Not surprisingly a lot of players leave, but they are always replaced by whoever leaves the Melonville stage, which unfortunately brings the politics of that insane asylum directly into Monkey Toast.

The two people who had ruined my job with their stupid affair in the workplace insisted that they had a right to be in Monkey Toast. Then they were caught red-handed in a lie and the Monkey Toast producer told me he wouldn’t be able to work with them for at least a year. For a moment it seemed like the clouds opened up and the sun shined on me. Finally justice! But they eventually changed the producer’s mind with some arm-twisting and more lies. He then simply insisted that I should work with these people – for free – even though they had ruined my paying job at Melonville. So in the summer of 2007 I left Monkey Toast. When it was nominated for best improv troupe he left my name off of the list of troupe members. And thankfully my own troupe won that year anyway. IN YOUR FACE MOFO!

This is a big load of whining I know. Why do I dwell on it? I suppose it is because I still have to hear about how great Monkey Toast is constantly. It’s all over my Facebook. I’m still friends with a lot of the improvisers on the show. But there were so many slaps in the face that I realize this will be a never-ending rant if I really mentioned every little humiliation I suffered at the hands of this awful producer. If there is a lesson in all this rubbish it is this: Anytime anyone asks you to do any work for free, or for a pittance of your usual wage, then simply don’t do it. That is when you will be treated the worst and you will leave feeling burned…

Come on. Eat your shitty toast and smile.

Getting Checked for Cancer

Usually I like my blog to be about fun things people might want to read about – like concerts or places I have travelled. Occasionally I rant. It depends on the week I am having I suppose. Then there are weeks where you come face to face with your mortality. At some point we all have one of these weeks. You know, the kind of week where  you get tested for cancer? Lots of fun.

We all know it’s a hard thing to do. There is nothing pleasant about it in the short term. I had to starve myself for two days. I had to drink disgusting fluids. I was a wreck with worry. I thought about not doing it a few times. Even while waiting at the clinic I almost decided to just walk out the door.

But then it’s always better to know, isn’t it? I thought about relatives that had passed away. I wasn’t raised in a religious household so these moments are sometimes odd because I don’t know which religion I should be praying to. All I know is that I have to pray to someone. They wheeled me into the room and I thought about the beginning of Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life. The people in charge of my procedure were kind. I noticed the lights in the room go out. I wondered why they needed to turn off the lights.

Suddenly I was staring at a curtain. It took me a few moments to realize the procedure was over. They had removed three polyps. But there was no cancer. They gave me a granola bar and some apple juice.

My wife drove me to my favourite restaurant and I ate a lot of food. Maybe it seems obvious to you that you shouldn’t do this. But when you are starving you don’t think straight. It took a few days to recover. I haven’t totally come to terms with this entire experience but I really urge people to go get checked for these things, or at least go to your annual check up and tell your doctors your family history. If I hadn’t had this checked it is quite possible nothing would have ever happened. But at the same time you never know what these three jokers may have done to me.

THIS IS IT! The Contradictions of Michael Jackson

As I watched THIS IS IT, the Michael Jackson concert documentary, I kept wondering what MJ himself would have thought of it. Being the perfectionist that he was I’m sure he would have been horrified that his semi-polished rehearsals were being seen by everybody. I don’t think this means it is a bad film, though. In fact I loved this film and I will probably buy it when it comes out on disc. The fact that we see him making mistakes makes him seem much more human than he did on all the gossip-rag shows. Or, for that matter, in any of the perfectly edited videos he made of himself.

I’m sad that he had to die for this side of him to be revealed. But the result is a film that ranks up there with Truth or Dare, Sign O the Times, Bring on the Night or Stop Making Sense. Unlike those films, though, it has the unique perspective of revealing how a major concert of this type is put together, even though it is a show that is ultimately doomed.

Personally I am slightly obsessed with the great 80s pop icons. Sometimes the images of these icons overshadow the skilled musicianship of the performers. Madonna is exactly the same, for instance. Her genius as a recording artist is not mentioned nearly as much as who she is adopting. How often do these gossip shows ever talk about the music? Don’t get me wrong, Michael Jackson’s personal life left a lot to be desired, but if you want to deconstruct who he was as an artist this film offers a rare glimpse.

There are brilliant performances, intermingled with the actual CGI-heavy short films that were going to be a part of the show. There are also some interesting virtual reality set pieces to show the audience how the show was going to look onstage at the O2 arena. It would have been such an amazing show. There are extended grooves of songs from Thriller, that are better than the originals with an unbelievably funky saw-bass groove. Surprisingly nothing from Invincible or Blood on the Dance Floor is included in the set list. (You mean he didn’t play Morphine?) His voice is angelic and I must say I was surprised at how strong it was, given that he was just about to overdose. Do I think he looked strong? No, not at all. He was very thin and gaunt, resembling a Tim Burton/Edward Scissorhands version of himself.

My favorite part of the film are his discussions with music director Michael Beardon. I am a music director and I felt for this guy when Michael Jackson is telling him how to play the groove in The Way You Make Me Feel. This type of situation, which I have to face from time to time with performers, must have been multiplied in stress by a million given that it was Michael Jackson telling him how to play. MJ is sometimes very amusing when he says non-specific things like “Play it like you’re having trouble getting out of bed”. Who knew he was funny? Not me.

There are two contradictions that occurred to me while watching this film. First, to me funk is simply the coolest music that has ever existed. And Michael Jackson is clearly a funk master. And yet during his life he seemed very uncool at times. This was partly because he was so mainstream and partly because of his fascination with stupid things like Peter Pan. He was really kind of a square, if I may bring back a Happy Days word. So how is this square so brilliant at making the coolest and sexiest music known to the world?

The sexuality is the other contradiction. He is one of the most sexual performers I have ever seen. There is a dance in this film, an extended version of Billie Jean, I think, where he takes his crotch grab dance to new heights. It is now a crotch stroke. How was someone, who was so sexual in performance mode, so oddly asexual when he was just having a conversation with someone about how to dance?

I can only speculate but I think the contradiction is simply that he had to hide his sexuality so it came out in his music and not in his personality. This is part of his tragic story, a story which I am sure is misunderstood to some extent. Thankfully this film shows how much of a genius he was at what he did best – music and dancing. The fact that the concert is called THIS IS IT, and the song they found in his desk drawer starts with the line “This is it” seems like a moment of synchronicity to me. Michael never planned to include that song in this show, and yet it fits perfectly as the title song to the soundtrack of the documentary. That is a meaningful coincidence if I ever saw one.

SPATULA! or How I made $130.00 Blueberry Pancakes!

SPATULAS AND TEFLON! Sometimes they don't go together.

This weeks word for my blog is “SPATULA”. After drawing a blank on what to write about this week, I consulted with my Facebook friends and asked for a word to spark an idea. This is all a part of the ancient art of improv. This is often how our improv shows start. With just one word. And for some reason, whenever you ask an audience for a household object or kitchen appliance you will hear the word “spatula” as an answer. Including on Facebook. As a joke, it was the first word shouted out from someone who is in the improv community. And, yes I do have a funny spatula story that just happened to me. A story which proves many things – including the fact that I’m a fucking dunce in the kitchen.

Before I get to that, I’d like to briefly examine the overlooked importance of the spatula. I am assuming that the spatula is the evolved version of what was originally the caveman “stick”. Indeed, the first household item and kitchen appliance may have, in fact, been the spatula – or stick – used to prod the meat on the fire. And if your neighbor tries to steal your food you can use the spatula-stick as a weapon as well. Food is one of the bare neccessities after all. So it is not surprising that this object, which brings you food and defends your house, is what people think of when confronted with this question.

This would also explain why everyone shouts out “bathroom” when you ask for a room in a house, or a non-geographical location. Because once you eat the food it has to go somewhere and this is of equal importance. However, I do not know why people always shout out Paris Hilton when you ask for a celebrity.

My wife and I have a giant spatula. The end of it is round like a large pancake. And it is what we use to flip our pancakes every Sunday morning when we eat blueberry pancakes that are cooked on our teflon grill. My wife challenged me to start making more food in the house and I bragged about my ability to cook pancakes. So two weeks ago I did. I made every possible kind of mistake, though. I didn’t put oil in the pancakes and they got stuck on the grill. The blueberries were sticking half-out of the dough and when I flipped them they burst and burned to the overheated grill. I had put too much mix in and the cakes were really bready and burned. It was really humiliating.

Afterward I felt so bad I started cleaning up the kitchen. I scrubbed the teflon grill clean. The blueberry stains would not come off. Frustrated I used more abrasive cleaners until the stains came off. After I dried it I saw that I had scratched the teflon pretty badly. I’m pretty ignorant about these things. I have screwed up teflon stuff before, in other people’s houses. I have never really been clear about which surfaces are teflon and which aren’t, or which type of spatula to use on what surface. I’m not even clear about the dangers of damaged teflon other than it is supposed to cause cancer or something. Why are we cooking on things made out of cancer causing agents anyway?!!!

My wife was pretty mad about the ruined grill and told me I have to buy a new one. She said she bought it at William Sonoma. When I asked how much they were she said about sixty dollars. I can live with that, I thought. So I made my way to this store, which looked pretty fancy to me from the outside. They had one grill left. It was $130.00. The woman at the cashier told me to never clean teflon with abrasives and that you have to use a silicon spatula. I am going to remember this now forever. I am no longer unclear about the difference or which fucking spatula you are supposed to use. Cavemen learn slowly sometimes when conronted with modern household items.

And as I drove home I just kept thinking about how those pancakes cost me $130.00. Lesson learned. My pancakes have improved.

Give President Obama a Break People!

Warning! This article is completely biased in favour of President Obama from a left-wing Canadian point of view.

Do you find yourself agreeing with this jerk?

I’m not sure what happened in the past two weeks, but it appears that the left suddenly turned on President Obama. It started with Saturday Night Live, who as far as I’m concerned have WAY too much power in the areas of political influence. SNL ran a “sketch” where Fred Armisen as Barack Obama outlines that he has done nothing since he has been in office. This appears to have opened some kind of floodgate of resentment towards the President. That night Larry King asked if Barack Obama had become the “do-nothing President”. On the screen were the words “Do-Nothing President.” It is almost as if everyone thought that now that SNL had kicked him it was now okay for everybody to do it. It continued with the baffling anger people have about him receiving a Nobel Peace Prize. Have I woken up in Bizzarro World?

SNL does have a long history of political satire. Last year’s election was huge for the show. The Sarah Palin act was massively popular. George W. Bush was a goldmine for shows like this for eight years. Not to mention the adventures of Bill Clinton for eight years before that. These are easy targets though, aren’t they? Lets be honest here, the key for the producers and the network is that people laugh, watch the commercials, and then buy products. They aren’t really trying to educate people. But they were suddenly faced with a dilemma. The Presidential goldmine of comedy had run dry. They now had a President who they couldn’t figure out how to ridicule. But they are still paying someone to play him and so you know the writers must have been pressured to come up with some reason to mock him.

But is this the right time to attack the President?

The reaction to the Nobel Peace Prize was even stranger to me. Outside of a theatre I was standing with several people. One person said “Can you believe that people are upset that Barack Obama got a Nobel Peace Prize? What’s wrong with people?” Another person standing there misunderstood what she said and she exclaimed “Yeah I can’t believe they gave him a Nobel Peace Prize. He hasn’t done anything!” I wondered if the second person used SNL as their only news source. But here was the debate right before me. Is it significant that the person supporting President Obama in this exchange is black, and the other person wasn’t? I walk on thin ice when I ask these questions I realize. But I just noticed….

Why are people against President Obama winning a Nobel Peace Prize? When has anyone really ever talked this much about the Nobel Peace Prize? Didn’t Yasir Arafat and Henry Kissinger both win Nobel Peace Prizes? What kind of weird world would it be where those two could have that award and not Barack Obama? I don’t claim to know very much about the award, or what their reasons are for giving it. But as far as I’m concerned there are several reasons why he should have one.

First of all, coming from a country with a background of severe racism which continues to this very day, the simple fact that he was able to achieve the Presidency makes him a transformative leader – whether you like it or not. He embodies a significant change in the perception of African-Americans around the entire planet. Even if he twiddled his thumbs for the next three years I would still think that this reason alone was enough for this award. George W. Bush did lots of things and a million people are dead because of it. There are long after effects of the Civil War and slavery and Barack Obama has already leaped over those obstacles.

Second, people don’t seem to realize that the United States is set up so that nothing can change easily. The President isn’t an all powerful King who can wave his hand and have everyone do his bidding. The Senate is just as powerful. The Congress is just as powerful. The Courts are powerful. The Pentagon is powerful. The CIA is powerful. Even SNL is powerful. He represents one branch of government. In nine months he has been trying to turn the country around with his powers of persuasion. If you are sailing an ocean liner and you decide to turn around and go another direction, it does not happen immediately. You have to slow the momentum, you have to turn the ship around, and finally you have to start heading in that other direction. Is nine months enough time to declare he is failing a this colossal task? It took eight years for Bush to fuck the whole world up and create all of these stupid wars! Give President Obama a break people! He is not a war-monger! You are helping Rush Limbaugh and the far right with this point of view. If anything he needs encouragement and if the Nobel Peace Prize committee are the only people to do it then I’m fine with that.

This is the wrong time to attack this President. He is struggling to convince America about Health Care. We’re sitting pretty in Canada with a Health Care system that saved my father’s life this year. It is so easy for us to just look at the Americans and laugh at how brainwashed they are by the insurance companies. But I have family in the States. I want this to succeed for them. Why is the left, including Democratic Senators, stabbing him in the back? Especially when the Democrats have power in the Congress and Senate?!! ARGHHHH!

I think that ever since the JFK assassination Americans, and those influenced by their culture, have learned to distrust the American government, and with good reasons. Nixon made it worse. Bush destroyed any faith or trust people have in Presidents. Conspiracy theorists still need to include the President in their convoluted theories, because that is what they have always done.

But from where I stand I see a guy trying to fight the good fight and instead of standing behind him when he needs it, his image is being tainted. I expect it from Rush Limbaugh. He wants America to fail. But why do you want America to fail?

Dos and Don’ts at Niagara Falls

This is Canada - not America. For those of you who are confused!

Let’s go again to Niag’ra
This time we’ll peak at the Falls.
Let’s leave our hut, dear,
Get out of our rut, dear,
Let’s get away from it all.

These lyrics from a Frank Sinatra song say it all. It’s a place to escape and have fun with your lover, and when you’re done there is still quite a lot to do. Some things are rip-offs and some things are actually amazing. Vegas is too far away for some of us and, in terms of Casinos, it doesn’t compare. But there is a natural beauty that Las Vegas simply does not have. It really reminds me more of Banff, Alberta than Vegas actually with its International Tourists, fudge, Marilyn Monroe movie history and crappy Canadian Tourist gifts. I have lost count of how many times I have gone there to escape the madness of Toronto. So here is my experienced traveler’s list of Dos and Don’ts.

Niagara Falls Imax Theatre

DO… The Imax Theatre

The Imax Theatre has been showing the same movie for about twenty years. It is not the best Imax movie I have ever seen, nor is it the best Imax theatre I’ve ever been to. The screen doesn’t curve, for instance, so you lose the movement effect. And aside from terrible acting where the sound doesn’t sync with the action, this is actually a half decent film. What the tourist wants is a simulation of going over the Falls and this is the only movie I’ve seen at Niagara Falls that remotely comes close to giving you this experience. There is some great footage. The movie also tells the Native Legend of the Maid of the Mist which I had never heard before in all of my trips to Niagara Falls. It would be nice if they would update this movie, though. There have been several more people who have attempted to go over the Falls since this was made.

DON’T DO…The Legends of the Falls 3D/4D

I was drunk from dinner and thought this movie was the Imax movie. When I realized I made a mistake, after stumbling in the door, they refused to give me my money back. It’s under the Skyline Tower on Murray St. and it is a rip-off with a poorly made short 3D film that was shot on the American side of the Falls only. The 4D effect is that they spray you with water and and then blow cold air on your neck so you can get a cold. These 3D/4D movies remind me of the original Nickelodeon theatres that used film mainly as a spectacle rather than an art form.

DO… The Journey Behind the Falls

The Journey Behind the Falls

Nothing will get you as close to the roaring thunder of the Falls as this place. There are three sections. The first, where this picture was taken, is a large two story area where you get the best view I have ever seen of the Falls, and it is a good place to take a photo. After that you go down a creepy wet tunnel and you can see the water streaming down without even a window separating you from the danger. Pretty exciting and kind of scary.

However, I wish when they renovated this place they had fixed the elevators and made a better waiting area. There is too much waiting. You stand like cattle in a large, stifling room with bad air circulation with tourists from all over the world. Hello Swine Flu! They have two elevators but they only seem to use one so it takes forever to get down there. Then when you come back up you have to wait in line again. Here’s an idea: use both elevators! Duh!

Even Aqua loves The Journey Behind the Falls.

DON’T DO… The Maid of the Mist

One reason! This gross sludge!

Let me start by saying it isn’t the fault of The Maid of the Mist company, who do a decent job of shuttling people back and forth. But when you look down at the water near the Falls there is this horrible looking pollution sludge that forms at the side of the river. This is a disgusting reminder of the amount of pollution that must be in this water. Gross! So when I went on the Maid of the Mist I kept thinking about how that pollution must be in my face as the water splashed and sprayed onto me. The Journey Behind the Falls has much less exposure to this water, but the Maid of the Mist drenches you in it. Someone needs to clean up our Great Lakes!

DO… walk along the sidewalk to the Falls

Niagara Falls Rainbow

This is pretty obvious. Of course, this is the main thing you should do. This is where Superman saved the falling child in Superman 2. On a sunny day you can always see the rainbow which also contains the spirit of the Maid of the Mist (not the boat, the legend).

DON’T…GO OVER THE FENCE!

Look at what this guy in the white shirt is looking at!

You would think this would be pretty obvious. Yet I actually took this photograph. That really is a guy down there. He really did go over the fence. I don’t know what happened but there were emergency vehicles and they just kept yelling that everything was okay. But just for the record…DON’T GO OVER THIS FENCE YOU STUPIDS!

DO…eat at these restaurants.

Brasa Brazilian Steak restaurant Niagara Falls

Mostly the restaurants in Niagara Falls are terrible. But the growth of the city has brought in some more choices.

Brasa and the Copacabana are delicious Brazilian steak restaurants, where you serve yourself carbs and salads at a buffet and then they just come to your table with skewer after skewer of meat. Obviously not for vegetarians. And also very expensive. But everything in Niagara Falls is expensive. Mama Mia’s is an established traditional Italian family restaurant, and is just at the top of Clifton Hill on Victoria Ave. Perkins is a great hangover breakfast place. They are always really friendly when we come in at 1:00 PM for breakfast.

DON’T…EAT ANYWHERE ELSE!

Look, Niagara Falls is simply not known for its cuisine. It’s either junk food or really terrible, touristy restaurants with over-priced and mediocre food.

DO…walk up Clifton Hill.

Clifton Hill! A wonderful load of crap!

Haunted houses, ferris-wheels, fun-houses and wax museums that leave you saying “who is THAT supposed to be”? Need I say more? It’s a circus of stupidity on a really steep road. Who wouldn’t want to come here?

DON’T…ride the Falls Incline Railway

Just walk up Murray St. lazy!

They have an incline railway that transports you from where the Falls are to the area with the new hotels. This was an annoying experience. It was manned by two cocky and bored guys that wouldn’t let us depart until everyone was crammed in. So we just sat there waiting for about ten minutes, and it already seemed full when we sat down. What are they waiting for? AGHHH!!!

DO…stay at the Sheraton on the Falls.

Sheraton on the Falls

After trying some other places we decided this is just simply the best and easiest place to stay. It’s right there when you come off the highway. It’s near everything. It has jacuzzis and fake fireplaces and Starbucks. And they are always nice to us – even if I’m not nice. If that wasn’t enough here are some pictures of our room views.

Corner suite view of Clifton Hill

American Falls

DON’T…stay here.

Casino Niagara

It looks great. Just like Vegas hotels and Atlantis in the Bahamas. Why? Because people’s financial lives are being ruined. We stayed here once. It was nice. Then we went in the off season and after we told them we didn’t have Players Clubs cards they denied us a room. Isn’t that like making sure you’re an alcoholic before you go into a bar? So we went to the Sheraton where they were nice to us and made us feel welcome.

Marilyn Monroe at Niagara Falls

If Niagara Falls was good enough for Marilyn it is good enough for me. Have fun at The Falls amigos.

I Guess I’m Just Not a Sports Guy

I find these guys scarier than Mel Gibson on a drunken rant

I walked into Licks (best burgers in Toronto) for a bite to eat after my Karate workout. The guy cooking the burgers had been running back and forth between the restaurant and the bar next door checking the score of the game. You see, apparently there was a game going on. Some sort of hockey game between the Leafs and the Habs, or something. And he wanted to talk to me about it because, obviously, I’m a guy and of course I would know about this game. Right?  I only knew there was a game because I had been watching the news earlier where I saw them interview men whose faces were painted blue and they were wearing Leafs jerseys.

One of them said:”The Leafs are like a religion to me.” Really? A religion? In what way is hockey like a religion? I can’t even begin to make a co-relation. Maybe he really meant “organized” religion, where large groups of people are brainwashed into doing stupid things – like maybe painting your face blue.

Another guy said: “You have to support your team.” Really? Why? Why do I have to support my team? Must we all just moronically obey the team because we all share the same geography? Would this guy obey Hitler? (I think he would). Aren’t we all just cheering for laundry as Jerry Seinfeld once said? And in what way are they my team? I don’t own them. I would never buy a ticket. Don’t tell me I “have” to do something and then not even give a reason for it. Do these guys know this is why they don’t have any women with them?

Back to the restaurant. The hamburger guy says: “It’s 3-2. They have to make it this year. Other years it was forgivable, but not this year.” Then he just stares at me.

I say: “Yeah… well. I sure won’t want to be here if they ever do win because the city will go nuts.” The city went crazy when the Blue Jays won the world series. But everyone always tells me that if the Leafs win the city will break out into riots that will make the aftermath of the World Series look like Mister Rogers Neighborhood. It is our own brand of hooliganism. It truly frightens me to think of drunken heterosexual white guys with faces painted blue smashing windows down Yonge St. This is not my idea of a good time.

Burger guy says: “You know it almost happened with the Raptors too.”

Me: “Did it? Did they make it to the…finals?”

Burger guy looks at me blankly and says something about the three point something or other that Vince Carter (?) blew or something. He talked about it as if it was common knowledge. I honestly didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. And when are you going to cook my burger? I thought impatiently.

This is the story of my life. My first experience with hockey was when I was four years old and a kid hit me in the nose with a hockey stick. I have always been bad at sports. Occasionally I would sort of pick up on some sport like bowling or badminton and have a good try at it. But at some point I have to realize that I am not a sports guy. I’m a musician. I’m an actor. I love theatre and movies and books and beautiful women. I’m also a day dreamer. Not a good thing to be when you’re sparring with a black belt – as I would unfortunately learn less then 24 hours later.

Even in the theatre community guys will come up to me and start saying something like “I can’t believe blah blah hit the blah blah on a 4.0 corner blah blah blah.” I always look back blankly. They may as well be speaking Romulan. I want to ask them what they think of Sheila E being in Prince’s band again. But I know they will stare back at me blankly. Seriously, just because I am a guy does not mean I know about this stuff. Why do people assume that?

The funny thing is I was actually just at the gym doing Karate. So, as you can see I am still trying to get better at sports. I recognize I need to get into shape and be stronger and be able to defend myself. I love the camaraderie of Karate. The people are super nice and supportive. But my mind wanders, like it always has. I’m out of shape and wasn’t able to go up a belt at the last grading. Then less than 24 hours later I ended up sparring with a new person in the club. If you just come in to the club, even if you have a black belt, you are not supposed to come in wearing that belt. So this guy had a white belt on – like me. But he wasn’t a white belt and he kicked hard and my hand wasn’t in a clenched fist and my finger on my right hand was injured.

I’m a piano player. A songwriter. As I winced in pain I saw my future change. Either I would never play the piano again or I was going to have to hang up my Karate Gi. As it turns out my finger is just badly bruised. Obviously I can still type so its not too badly damaged. But now people are warning me that maybe this isn’t the right sport for me.

And so, once again, I am faced with a simple fact. Some people are really good at sports, like the black belt I sparred with. He moved at an astonishing speed with powerful strength and agility. Other people, like me, are really good in arts and entertainment. That is what our brains are wired for.

Conclusion? Sigh. I guess I’m just not a sports guy.

Notice the thickness around the base of the finger. Not supposed to be like dat!

My Amsterdam Birthday

A birthday on the Amsterdam canals. Perfect!

I can’t think of a more perfect place to be on my birthday. Jamillah and I slept in again and when we woke up we could hear that it was raining. According to the weather it is going to rain all day.

The Dutch breakfast place around the corner was open. They really only have one breakfast dish. It is two big pieces of white bread with 3 eggs and cheese on top, along with three pieces of bacon. I loved it. Jamillah hated it though she was unable to explain to me what was wrong with it.

We walked to the Canal boats and bought our day passes. This was all I wanted to do on my birthday, just float along the canal stoned out of my mind – and that wish came true. I didn’t mind that it was raining. I like rain, and it reminded me of Vancouver. The red line canal cruise goes past Anne Frank house and the Hard Rock Cafe, and it ends at the train station.

We got off there to book our seats to Paris. One thing I didn’t like about this new Eurail system is you still have to reserve the high speed train and you have to pay an extra fee.

After that we made the mistake of eating in the Burger King which I have a vague memory of eating in once before with Arnold.

By the way, while we were on the boat we saw another tour boat called the Prins Johann Friso, and another called the Prins Willem. I got a good shot of one of them. I have a childhood friend who is Dutch who has both the names Willem and Friso.

The Prins Johan Friso

After my disgusting burger (though the Burger King decor is nice) we got on the Blue Line. Ernest Hemingway was our driver.

Ernest Hemingway was our driver on the Blue Line

We smoked a joint first. This boat went out to the harbour where there were cruise lines docked. Jamillah had a cappuccino which she swears is the best she’s ever had. But Jamillah wants you all to know that since being back to Amsterdam she now thinks that this is NOT the best capuccino in Amsterdam. The best is at Barney’s.

Soon we were the only customers on the boat. It was like our own private cruise. We went around the zoo and we saw Zebras and some exotic birds that were not caged.

A bad photo of the Zebras we saw.

More people got on at the next stop. I love the little house boats. I can dream, can’t I?

A new place to live? We can dream, can’t we?

I also saw a machine boat whose function seems to be to pull bikes out of the canal. I have never seen so many bikes.
Back on dry land, we had time for one more cruise. But it was pouring rain so we had to wait for awhile in the train station.

We waited in the train station to hide from the rain. This is also where Jews were put onto trains in WWII.

This boat had a different personality. The driver had a sense of humour and was playing American country music. But it was pretty similar to the first ride.

Soon we were back at the Rijkmuseum (where our journey started) and then we walked in the rain back to our place where we both wrote in our journals and got high (again – hey we’re only here for two days and it IS my birthday after all).

We went out for Indian food. The restaurant was very crowded and we had to share our table with a Dutch couple on a date. We did our best to ignore them (we are so anti-social). The food was amazing. Less spicy than the Indian food I’m used to. I got drunk to Jamillah’s amusement. I started singing Gordon Lightfoot songs on the street. That’s what you hear at night in Amsterdam – drunk people singing songs from their respective countries.

We went to Haagen Daas in the Rembrandt Square where there is a sculpture of the Night Watchmen. This is the second night we’ve gone there. I have become addicted to Belgian chocolate.

The sculpture in Rembrandt Square of the Nightwatchmen.

Then over to Smokey’s again – actually this is when we smoked the crappy tobacco blunt. I bought some space cakes as my birthday cake. Needless to say I passed out even before my birthday was over and I woke up several times in the night with the wine, ice-cream, Indian food and space-cakes rolling around my over-indulgent stomach.

But hey, I made it another year. I’m a survivor.

During my trip to Europe I made terrible doodles of each day. This proves that I should stick to music, writing and film I think.

Why I Love Madonna

I CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO THIS ALBUM. HELP!

I have a confession: I LOVE CONFESSIONS ON A DANCE FLOOR! Everytime I go through a crisis I have a tendency to lean on an album. This years series of bizarre problems have led me back to Madonna’s Confessions On a Dance Floor CD.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Hard Candy as well, with it’s funky fresh sound. But when I drove to Niagara Falls this year I put in Confessions and it just played over and over and over in my car. When I got home I couldn’t think of a reason to take it out. So for two weeks it just went around and around. I also have the live version (The Confessions Tour) which is just as good. In some ways it is better – the film that goes with it is one of the best concert films I have ever seen. Both versions put me in some sort of electro-trance.

Politically she is one of my favourite figures. Right up there with John Lennon, Prince and Chuck D. Back in the 80s I wasn’t that crazy about her. I thought she was too pop. But then I heard Erotica and my opinion changed. Ever since then I have been into just about every album she has done.

Lately she has become more radical. In the first Confessions album, during the song I Love New York (perhaps one of the greatest dance songs of all time) she says:

“If you don’t like my attitude, then you can F off!
Just go to Texas, isn’t that where they golf?”

This is an ok line. I kept thinking. Why didn’t she just say fuck? Then Confessions Live came out and she was obviously not worried about biting her tongue anymore because now the line goes:

“If you don’t like my attitude then you can FUCK OFF!
Just go to Texas – WHERE YOU CAN SUCK GEORGE BUSH’S DICK!!”

I like this progression in crudeness. When she did the American Life album she censored herself when she decided one of her videos was too controversial. In a way she was editing and censoring herself just like we ALL were around that time. Everyone was afraid to say anything after Sept.11. Artists like Spearhead went underground for being too outspoken. It was like the McCarthy era.

In Confessions you can still here her censoring herself. But by the time she was on tour she obviously knew it was time to just let it all hang out, no matter how crude. I admire that.

On Facebook I noticed a reluctance of people to swear. And I used to be nervous about swearing on here. Then one day I wondered what I was scared about. It is my Facebook. If people don’t like my swears they are free to take my notes off of their newsfeed. I had people coming up to me telling me not to write what I was writing.

I kept thinking, hey Rob B, why don’t you just not read it! Just go to Texas where you can SUCK GEORGE BUSH’S DICK!

American Life. An underrated acoustic album. I would also like to point out that Madonna is a great jew.